Once again I find myself sitting down at the bequest of my therapist, Tobin, writing what he calls a “gratitude journal,” wherein I am supposed to detail all the things in my life for which I am grateful, and this is supposed to do something for my anger problem. Okay then.
Deep breath into neck hole. Exhale out neck hole.
I guess I always like my horse. My horse doesn’t judge. He probably doesn’t even feel the difference, weightwise, between me with a head and me without a head, even though a head weighs something like 13 pounds, or so I hear, because you never really feel the weight of it when it’s sitting on your neck, and you definitely don’t feel the weight of it when it’s gone.
Okay hold up a second because this is making me angry now. MY HEAD IS IN A FIELD SOMEWHERE SMASHED TO BITS BECAUSE A CANNONBALL BLEW IT THE FUCK OFF.
And now I’m supposed to find things to be happy about.
AND THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR WORLD TODAY.
“Oh, Headless Horseman, you’re so negative. I’m a positive person, so I can’t be around you.” Then get out of here you shallow, positive prick, because you’re an insufferable baby and I can’t be around you either.
Oh, shit. I’m sorry.
Deep breath into neck hole. Deep breath out of neck hole. Deep breath in. And blowing out the neckhole.
I, The Headless Horseman, am grateful for many things. Some of these things are the sturdy boots I just bought at Goodwill for 12 bucks. I’m also grateful for the letter that came the other day that I thought was going to be a bill, but turned out to be a check for $14.89.
I’m also grateful for Jell-O. And that is in no way an endorsement of Bill Cosby, for whom I used to be grateful but now I’m just — ugh. Come on. You don’t even have to have a head to know what happened there. I mean CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THE ARROGANCE, THE– “Oh, girls, why didn’t you come forward 30 years ago, we refuse to believe you.” YEAH AND NO ONE SAW MY HEAD GET BLOWN OFF EITHER, DID THEY? NO ONE CAN FIND THE PIECES OF MY HEAD. BUT DOES THAT MEAN IT DIDN’T BLEEPING HAPPEN? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT SCIENCE???!?!
Never mind. Neckhole breath in. Neckhole breath out.
AND ANOTHER THING. IF I SEND YOU A FACEBOOK INVITE FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING, PLEASE DON’T GO TO THE TROUBLE OF APOLOGIZING FOR ALL THE TOTALLY VALID-SOUNDING BUT STILL COMPLETE BULLSHIT REASONS YOU WON’T BE COMING. BY NOT COMING, YOU’VE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH. THANK YOU. BYE.
In. Out. In. Out.
Well this was a complete failure.
Anyway. Speaking of Jell-O, I am going to add some to my grocery list, which is not terribly complicated because my list is almost 100% Jell-O in the first place, because that’s about all I can eat, for obvious reasons. Here’s my list as it stands right now. And I am, pretty much, grateful for all of these foods:
3 tubs of Greek yogurt