When looking at the glorious colors exploding all over the trees around you in the fall, it’s important not to think about death, because that’s not what this is about at all. If you think that fall is about death, then basically you’re a creep who should go back inside and watch re-runs of Unsolved Mysteries and leave the rest of us alone.

You may be tempted to be wistful about the end of summer, and Persephone’s retreat back into the underworld to hang out with her stellar husband Hades, who basically stole her from her mom for purposes of rape/ sexual assault true love, but to do so would merely betray your negative attitude, and people who have negative attitudes should die, unlike the autumn trees, which are not dying at all, but are merely putting on a fireworks show before they go to sleep for a while– unlike you, who just brushes your teeth and probably doesn’t even floss and that’s that.

Yes the animals are chowing down in preparation for hibernation, but for a lot of bears, hibernation is the best part of the year, so we shouldn’t be sad for them. It’s a celebration. In fact just last week I received a letter from a bear, and here is what it said. I’m re-typing in here because I shredded the original already, because I do everything that Marie Kondo tells me to.

This is bear

Bear is going to sleep soon

Please leave scraps at edge of yard. 

Donuts wud be nice. 

See yu in spring.

See? There’s nothing sad at all about that note. Nothing.

Does it make you sad to have to put away your bikinis for a while? It shouldn’t. Because guess why? Now you can be sort of fat for a bunch of months, and nobody has to know about it, unless they ask to know about it, and then it’s their problem, not yours.

If you ask me, if April is the cruelest month, an assertion I agree with, then October is is the raddest. It may be the month of skeletons, if you’re a literalist (gag), but if you’re a literalist then you should be reading a book of recipes instead of this blog. This is the wrong place for you if you need instructions on how to live.

This note just literally slid under my door, and I’m transcribing it here and immediately shredding it:

This is bear

Having trouble peeing

Need name of specialist

O never mind

Do not share on blog

What was I saying? Something about skeletons and how great they are and not at all about death.

This is bear

Need to use bathroom

Not a bear that poops in woods

Knock knock

Okay I have to go. I hope we’ve all improved our attitudes about fall. It’s the best time of year.


Rebuttal (white-tailed deer): No it’s not.