I only have one thing to say to all you ladies out there who have written to me with your tremendously pathetic love woes: if you’re trying at all, you’re trying too hard!

See that red man-cardinal out there in the tree? Yes, that’s a man-cardinal. I know because he’s red. Lady-cardinals are brown. Most lady birds are brown and extremely boring-looking, and it’s the men who are flashy and have to do a song and dance — sometimes literally — to get our attention. Do you see where I’m going with this?

I’ve seen what happens in your human clubs with names like “The Pumphouse” or “Black Icicle.” I know this because you’ve written to me with these hideous stories, and also because I sit out on a wire and I watch. I know that you human females get all dolled up to go to “go out” — which is a term very similar to what dogs do when they have to pee — with these high heels and bandage dresses and big poofy hairdos and elaborate eye makeup, and then the men show up in cargo shorts, checking their phones every three minutes. Do you see the problem here?

Here’s my advice: Be Brown. It’s also the title of my forthcoming dating book:

Be Brown: Dating Tips From a Plain Brown Bird

It’s coming out this summer in hardcover for $20.45. You can pre-order it in a few weeks.

By being brown, you take back your power. Brown is fine. You don’t need to be anything more than brown. Brown, believe it or not, is effective, both as an eyeliner for people with blue eyes, and also as an attitude. Don’t believe me? Just look to nature for a second.

Do you know about the male satin bowerbird? He builds an elaborate ‘bachelor pad’ to impress the ladies, and often decorates it with as many blue things as he can find. This is a bird that dresses to impress. Of course, as soon as he bags a babe, it’s off to find the next one, but first things first— at least he tries. No cargo shorts for this bird.

In nature, males are the ones with the fancy plumage, the weird dances, the elaborate songs and the responsibility to get things going. Humans are also a part of nature, but somewhere along the way, things went very wrong. Is it possible that by donning said bandage dress and putting on makeup and going “Wooo!” and wobbling drunk out to the dance floor when Uptown Funk comes on, that you are actually confusing the male of your species into thinking that YOU, in fact, are the male? I know my brain is small, but it works fine. These are merely thought experiments intended to challenge your pain points.

For one night next week, I’d like you all to practice Being Brown.© Tap into your inner brown bird, and just sit there like you don’t care. You would be amazed at how effective this is. Don’t believe me? If you buy my book and are not 100% satisfied with the results, I would be willing to give you 11% of the cover price back. That is my promise to you. You can also physically give me the book back, because I could use some of that paper for my nest.

Be Strong, Be Brown, And Good Luck Out There!

Signed,

The Plain Brown Bird

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