Sure, the moon is made of cheese. But before we all go and get all excited about that, maybe we we should stop to consider what kind of cheese it’s made of.

Sure, it looks like Swiss cheese. And that would be nice for the Swiss, I’m sure. As if they’re not rich enough from making all those fancy watches and being “neutral,” I bet they’re going to want to go and claim the moon for themselves, too. Well, not so fast, makers of fine timepieces. And anyway, guess what: people don’t wear watches anymore, so ha ha on you. Also, there’s no proof the the moon is made of Swiss cheese. If there is evidence, it’s been suppressed for reasons we’ve never been told– reasons that very well may go far beyond common mold.

The moon could be made of spreadable cheese. It could even be “cheese food” and how would we know? This could account for the reason behind all that Apollo 11 secrecy stuff. It would be tough to get all excited about a cheese moon and find out it was basically a big nerfy Cheez-It.

There’s a reason that some mysteries are better left unsolved, and this may be one of those cases where the less we know, the better. Lots of people don’t like blue cheese. What if the moon smells bad? There’s no air up there, so it’s not like you could count on the wind to blow away the fumes. I don’t understand why people go into space at all.

Lately some scientists landed a probe on a speeding comet. Why? Were they that desperate for some fondue? Didn’t anyone tell them that fondue, like the space program, went out of style in the 80s? Apparently someone really really wants to go up into space, but it’s not me. Haven’t we all seen Gravity by now? Was that enticing to anyone on any level? Aside from the George Clooney level and I don’t even like him that much because he smirks all the time and has a fancy unrealistic wife who doesn’t look like she has a great sense of humor?

I believe there is an inverse relationship between money and humor, and that’s why you don’t find a lot of funny Republicans. If you own a vineyard or a yacht, we’re probably not going to like the same movies.  If you’re George Clooney and we’re in space together, I still might not trust you, even if you’re dead and I’m almost dead. But thanks for trying, smirk-man.

But back to the moon. We need to ask ourselves as a nation if we’re ready to find out what that moon is made of. Can we handle the truth? Do we want to? And do we have something ready upon which to spread the moon when we find out?

I’m gonna go cut up some apples.