Having a good attitude will gloss over a lot of sins, although maybe not murder.
I feel like I’m finding this out the hard way. I’ve always been a very positive person. I never let negativity weigh me down– especially other people’s. The first person I killed was a guy in a coffee shop who was talking on his headset phone really loudly like everybody else cared about his goal of having 15 accounts by the end of 2014. I certainly didn’t care, but I was willing to let it go for a while. But when his second phone went off while he was already talking on his first, I dispatched him swiftly with a poisoned blow dart to the neck. It was quiet, it was efficient, and it hardly left a mark. I thought it was a pretty elegant job, actually. But then when he fell over onto the person on the other side of him and spilled that lady’s giant soy iced latte, and people figured out he was dead, there was all this hullabaloo. Just a lot of bad energy going around. But because I have this positive force field around me at all times, I didn’t let it get to me. In fact, that afternoon I finished over 10 pages of my novel, “The Sun Shines From Within.” It was a good day.
When the police came to question me, they were so stern. I felt sorry for them, that they have such a hard time experiencing the natural joy that is the birthright of every human being on earth. I gave them some literature on meditation–stuff I’ve read a million times and practically have memorized, so I wouldn’t miss it. Later, after they left, I went to the food co-op, where I killed a couple of heavyset lesbians in astrological tank tops and cargo shorts who were clogging up the dry goods aisle over an argument about whose allergies were more severe. Dear god, I thought, as I tried again and again to get to the short-grain brown rice bin, to no avail. I still had a couple of blow darts in my purse, so I used them– one and then the other– and within moments I was able to step over their bodies and get my little bag of rice. Seriously, some people!
But I’m not going to let it get me down. Right after I got my rice I went to hot yoga and expunged a lot of toxins, which I feel good about. There has never been a time when I regretted going to yoga. I especially find it helpful on days when I’ve killed two or more people. It really brings me to that calm space where I understand on such a deep level who I am, and how I’m connected to every part of the universe in such a profound way, even to the parts that I have slain.
So I got out of hot yoga dripping wet with sweat, and I was going to go straight home, but then I stepped out into the crosswalk to go to my car and this other car– at least a half a block away, mind you– slammed on the brakes with this heavy lead blanket of judgement. You know, as if I had nearly caused an accident, even though they were a half a block away. Oh no you didn’t.I waved the car past, and right when they were creeping through, used my last blow dart on the driver, who swerved and plunged right off a bridge. The cops came, and now I’m here at the police station again, for questioning. It’s fine, it’s just a thing– I don’t assign any emotional meaning to being here either way. I’ve been joking around with the administrative staff– or trying anyway. But everybody here is so serious. They just will not lighten up. I feel sorry for them.
Well anyway, I guess I’ll write a song while I wait for Officers Jerry and Kevin to come back from their little room where they’ve retreated to confer. I can see them through the window, glancing at me every now and then and pointing. They’re probably wondering how they can have an attitude that’s as radiantly positive as mine. When they come back out here, I’d be happy to tell them.
La la la la la la la la laaaaaa.