Just for the record, I want everybody to know that I was waxing my mustache before it was a “thing.” If you look at pictures of me from like, seven years ago, you will see that this is true.

When I started my band, Waterfall of Geese, it was just me playing a mandolin. I didn’t really do gigs back then. I just stayed in my room and did stuff in there. I was the only one who knew about me back then– and so that was probably the period where I was doing my best stuff.  But then when I had Corey join me on bass– and it was because he was a good bass player, not because he also had a waxed mustache– that meant that one other person had heard of me, and that’s when things started to go downhill. 

Corey wanted to change the name to “Geese Waterfall” because “Waterfall of Geese” was too much of a mouthful, or so he said.  I didn’t really have a problem with that.  What I did have a problem with, however, was the fact that once we finally emerged from my room, we discovered that there were about 40 other bands in a five-block radius of my house that also featured mandolins.  And it was about this same time that Chris Thile started to get really big, too.  And while I wish the world were different, in this current world as it exists right now, there is not room for a whole lot of really hot, famous mandolin players. There can really only be one, and Chris Thile was already it.  I mean think about it: how many black blind piano players can you think of right now?  One, right? Or maybe you could think of more if you majored in blind black piano players in college, but trust me, nobody else can.  Mandolins are kind of like that.

So I fired Corey. Don’t ask me why.  We didn’t even have that many gigs but I fired him because things didn’t seem to be going well, and I thought that was probably his fault.  Later in past-life regression therapy I learned that I might have been wrong there, but it was too late because he already unfriended me and joined Spider Pudding, and I couldn’t really get him back at that point.  And actually he was kind of a jerk a lot of the time.  He was always like, “Oh, do you like that song? Huh. Interesting. I might have done it differently.” This is about stuff I had written.  And then he would never contribute stuff himself. That and he would never tell anyone about our gigs. Not even on Facebook. He’d even post pictures of some of our gigs, but the picture would only be of him.  Like selfies of himself playing.  And then there would be no context. He wouldn’t tag me or say where we were or what we were doing.  Kind of slippery, right? A little suspicious? That’s what I thought. Well, whatever. Maybe it’s good that he’s gone.  And you know what? Spider Pudding pretty much sucks and everybody knows it. They have no backbone. They’re like the shell once the snail has moved on. Except in their case, there never was any snail.

Anyway so that’s when I picked up a second mandolin. Before I knew it I had graduated to three. Then five. And now I’m up to seven. I play them all at the same time, although not as fast as I could if I just had one or two. I’ve grown a pointy beard, which I also wax to make it even pointier. I’m thinking of getting a vest, and changing my band name to Migratory Elf Conflagration. It’s just kinda ironic– it’s an inside joke with myself, but I think people will sense that and appreciate that it’s really funny, even if nobody knows why.

I’ve got a gig tomorrow night at Jerry’s Ice Pick. You should totally come. Bring a ton of friends.  Preferably friends who Twitter and Facebook, and friends who are also friends with Corey or anyone from Spider Pudding, so that they can all see that I’m out there, man. I’m doing it.  I’m living the dream.

Now I just need to get a fixed gear bike.