Listen, someone screwed something up. I don’t think I’m supposed to be here. Let me introduce myself. I’m the middle part of the mythic beast known as the Chimera. If you’re not familiar with me, I apparently have the head of a lion, and then there’s the goat part (that’s me)–a second head coming out of the body–and then I have a snake for a tail, except the tail also has a head. So we’re working with three heads here. And that’s fine, although I really feel like these other two heads are a lot more hostile than I am. I sort of feel like I’ve been slotted with the wrong reading group. I’m supposed to be in the silver stars, and they put me in brown. Let me tell you, these guys are wearing me out.
There’s always some big drama going on, and I’m always like, “hey, cool out — I’m trying to chill back here.” But they won’t. It’s nonstop roaring and hissing and man do I just want to lie down and take a nap, but we would have to have a unanimous vote on any such thing, and really, good luck with that.
I’m not really a judgmental kind of creature. So I hate to complain about this. Honestly, I’m sure the lion and the snake would rather I take a hike, too. Believe me, I would if I could. I remember that one time I had overdrawn my bank account by something like 900 bucks, and I was totally freaking out, and the snake was like, “Cheer up, man! It’s not so bad!” and I swear I would have bitten off his head had he gotten any closer. As an aside, I also don’t understand why we have to have three separate bank accounts. None of us ever has any money, and all it means is that it takes us three times as long when we go to the ATM.
I’d like to go on a vacation. Maybe to… I don’t know. Vancouver. I’ve been working on a memoir and if I don’t get it done this summer I think I might slit my own neck and sacrifice myself to the gods like someone is probably going to do to me anyway at some point, although hopefully not before my book comes out. But anyway I’m pretty sure I would not be able to convince a lion to come to Vancouver. It’s just not his kind of weather. And we might have to buy three tickets if we flew there, and none of us has that kind of money.
I don’t know what to do. So for now I’m just hanging out between the lion head and the snake head. I just try to keep quiet and get out of their way if they start to get in each others’ faces. I’m sure there are much better ways that I could spend my time, but what am I gonna do?
Sometimes I wish I were a horse. Just a single horse, no extra heads, no consensus required to do anything. You think of something, you go do it, the end. Maybe in another life I’ll come back as a horse. I hope so.
Well anyway sorry to complain at you like this. I don’t mean to be a complainer. I’m trying to make the best of it. Which reminds me, it’s time to go write in my gratitude journal. Or, in my case, dictate it to a beaver so he can write it down, as I don’t have hands, just this head. I guess I’m grateful that it’s summer, and that there’s plenty of grass, and that right now, there’s not a whole lot that I really have to do.
I’m just kind of here. Not flashy, not glamorous, not frightening or anything– just here. If you figure out what the point of that is, please let me know. I’d be happy to listen. You know where to find me.