The story of Snow White is a good one, especially the part where they stick her in an above-ground glass coffin in the woods.  It’s a good thing they did that, because if they had buried her in a regular coffin–which for good reason are usually not made of glass– and put her in a hole like they do for normal dead persons, chances are good that that prince would not have found her (unless he was really digging, and who does that?) and things would have turned out much differently.

It’s also good that the story happened a long time ago, when apparently there were flocks of princes constantly parading through the woods.  You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting some hot prince out for a brisk walk.  Young women back in the day never had to deal with going on OKCupid or getting rejected by eHarmony– going online and entering a bunch of statistics about themselves, hoping to get hooked up with a prince who might be 97.9% compatible, but who might turn out to be completely emotionally unavailable and/or perhaps submitted a pretty old picture of himself, from back before he  nearly succumbed to male pattern baldness and  shaved his head in a preemptive strike.  No. Those princes were just out there in droves back then, and everything was much easier.  Then again, the category of “young woman” came to an abrupt halt somewhere around age 15, at which point a woman would drop straight off the cliff of spinsterhood and down onto the rocks of obsolescence where her pathetic carcass would quickly be consumed by lizards.

It happens.  Anyway.

What I was going to say is that a part of the story usually left out is that Snow White had a horse whose name was Chuckles, and Chuckles was also in a glass coffin a short distance away when the prince showed up.  Chuckles was in there because after the queen gave Snow White that apple, Snow White only had one bite and, having a good relationship with Chuckles, turned to him and said, “here Chuckles– you have a bite”– and he did, and five seconds later they were both face-down on the ground, and the queen was laughing her head off and doing some sort of sad one-woman Harlem shake.

So, the dwarves put Snow White in that coffin, and then they looked at Chuckles and they were like, “shit, we can’t lift that.” But they figured out some sort of a winch thing and they got him in his own giant glass coffin and they put him in the woods right next to Snow White.  Why the prince didn’t seem to notice Chuckles when he stumbled across Snow White in the forest is beyond me.   Obviously it was the larger of the glass caskets.   Maybe he did notice.  But then why would he just ignore it?  I guess he already had a horse or something.  Understandable.  But then what’s more surprising is that once Snow White woke up, that she  didn’t say something, like, “hey, can we wake up my horse, too?” But nobody said that, and so to this day one may assume that Chuckles the horse is still in his giant glass coffin in the woods somewhere around Germany.  Horses are pretty understanding, but one could forgive Chuckles if he was a little bit pissed off.  At this point, he’s been out there for about 200 years, and he hasn’t worked out in ages.  Then again, he’s asleep.  Or he is most of the time.  One time he woke up in a thunderstorm and he was like, “WTF!” but then he fell right back asleep before he had a chance to put a hoof through that coffin.

We don’t know if Snow White is dead, or if she and the prince (now the king) managed some other scheme to keep themselves alive for thousands more years.  It seems like something they could probably do, but you never know.  One would hope that someday she would come back and free her horse and let him know what happened.  At that point it would be up to Chuckles how he wanted to react.  Maybe he’d be cool with it, who knows.  Maybe he’d ask for a pile of 400 carrots and call it even.  But I guess we’ll never know as long as he’s still in that coffin.

And that’s the part of the story that you never knew.

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