It’s an embarrassing problem to have, and hard for people to talk about, but sometimes we find our homes overrun with komodo dragons. A komodo dragon here and there, you tell yourself, is not really that bad– but it’s a slippery slope and there comes a point when you can’t continue to just ignore it. You must take action to remove the komodo dragons from your home. Admitting you have a problem, of course, is the first step, and if you are still reading this, congratulate yourselves on being brave and looking your problem straight in the eye and not flinching, even when you maybe should flinch a little, because komodo dragons are big and can eat you.
Anyway, there are a few methods one might use to remove a pack of roving komodo dragons (KDs) from your home, and luckily, none of them involve violence. Because let’s face it, if you resort to violence with a KD, you are probably going to lose. Instead, be smart, be prepared, and employ one of these time-tested methods:
1. Convince the komodo dragons that leaving is their idea. This is the best method I have ever come across, and you should try this one over and over and over again before progressing on to the other methods. Start by approaching the komodo dragon (from the side) and saying, “oh hey, you’re still here. I thought you said you wanted to leave.” Then wait carefully and watch for the KD’s reaction. If the KD is like, “Uh, I don’t known what you’re talking about,” then you’ve got a problem. Then you should say something like, “Oh, I must have misunderstood something. It’s just so uncomfortable and cramped in here and so not conducive to KD happiness, that it just made sense to me that you would want to leave, but maybe I was wrong about that.” Then watch the KD give this some thought. With any luck they will leave on their own, and not only that, relay the message to their friends that your bathtub isn’t really the be-all-end-all. Good luck.
2. Put a piece of raw meat outside. When the komodo dragons race outside to fight over it, lock the door. This one is pretty self-explanatory. But beware: when the meat is gone, they will be coming right back to your door expecting to get in. So make sure you also closed and locked the sliding doors, because they will be on to you. Also, don’t fall for their guilt trips. There is a reason you put them out there. And no matter how nice of a person you are, remember: you’re still meat.
3. Wait until they’re asleep and shovel them out. This one is not nearly as smart or reliable as #1 or #2. Depending on the size of the dragons and the extent of your infestation, you may want to employ the help of 20-30 of your largest, strongest friends. Please wear gloves and be prepared to take your own life, if necessary. Actually, now that I think of it, you shouldn’t do this one. Never mind.
4. Decide that you’re okay with the komodo dragons. Some people might call this “enabling”– and it is.
So that’s it! Good luck with your komodo dragon infestation! And congratulations on raising your awareness and having the courage to face up to your problems. You do, after all, have some pretty freaking huge problems, and everybody knows it.