Hello, we are the aliens.

To better serve you, we have landed on your planet.  For quality assurance purposes, your lives may be monitored, although we have already been monitoring you for years, so that’s nothing new.

At the conclusion of this alien invasion, you may be asked to participate in a short survey.  Actually, forget it, we’re wondering if you would do it now.  And PS, it’s not a short survey, it’s really really long.  It will probably take you at least two days to complete it, which is about how long it took for us to get here in our large, weird spacecraft that moves at the speed of light, if we don’t stop at rest stops. Kevin.


How are we doing?  We like to hear from the planets that we invade.  Your feedback helps us to better invade other planets in the future, or even possibly yours again, if we discover a need to invade you for a second time.  (i.e., if you fight back in any way or attempt to curtail this natural evolutionary progression whereby we declare everything on your planet to be ours, and we erase you from the galaxy’s memory, because winners write history and we are winners! Us!  The aliens!)

But seriously, how are we doing?

If you would like to continue with the alien invasion, press one.  If you would like to stop the alien invasion, also press one because there is no way we’re going to stop this alien invasion.   It’s happening, and we’re fairly confident that you’re going to enjoy the massive changes that we implement on this planet that used to be yours.  For example, public transportation is about to get a lot better.  Trains, people.  Trains and high-speed flight buses.  And much much more!  But enough about us– what do you think about us?

Rim shot! That was a joke!  Although, truly, we do value your input and would love to hear what you think.  It’s probably best that you tell us now, before we move you to your exciting new home on Alpha Centuari, where, as I’m sure you’re aware, there are only dial-up modems.

Press one.  Press one now.  Are you pressing one?  If not, stick out your finger and press one.

Don’t make me stick out my finger and press one for you.  Your opinion matters to us.  And remember, this is all about you. We’re doing this because we love you. Or something.


The aliens