Dear consumer:

As we slide into our big fall season, Thurlique Cosmetics is very excited to introduce a parade of new products for your beautification needs.  Some of these include “Orbs,” our new glow-in-the-dark eyeshadow, and “Chunky,” our groundbreaking new mascara that goes on smooth, and comes off in easy-to-handle solid nuggets.

As we say hello to this new generation of Things That Make You Pretty©, we must unfortunately also say goodbye to a few beloved products.  And even as we usher them to the great beyond, we remember them for their valiant run, working tirelessly to improve ever-so-slightly the good looks of most of those who employed them. Also some of these were just a bad idea.

1.  Deodoface.  This convenient 2-in-1 deodorant-foundation combination was the first, and probably last of its kind.  It was a learning experience, though, and what we learned is that people do not care for brown armpits or chalky faces, nor do they like to apply to their faces something that has recently been in their armpits.  We have taken your letters about this matter seriously, and have made the hard decision to retire Deodoface.

2.  Shame-faced. This X-Treme Blush© was designed to make you look like you might look moments after being deeply humiliated in front of a crowd of 200+ people.  It’s a bright red, looks a bit sweaty, and was our most powerful blush to date.  It also contains a chemical that activates your body’s natural shame mechanisms, so that not only do you look mortified, you also feel mortified, adding that extra glow that other blushes just can’t deliver.  Another learning experience, and what we learned this time is that people do not enjoy the feeling (or the look) of extreme humiliation.  So it’s goodbye to Shame-faced, and we shall remember you often, much as one remembers a recurring nightmare.

3.  Bee Lips.  Models and mere mortals alike will go to great lengths to give their lips that plump, bee-stung look.  So we thought, why fake it?  Why not just do it the natural way, by removing the lipstick from its case, and instead packing the applicator with real live bees?  With approximately 11 bees per applicator, Bee Lips was a specialty product designed for a special night out when you wanted your lips to be extra puffy.  You would simply remove the cap, push a bee to the surface, and apply to your lips while the bee stung stung stung your lips all the way around, top lip, bottom lip, around and around, after which the bee would fall to the ground, dead.  In moments, you would have that pretty pout that every woman envies and every man lusts for.  But again, a learning experience, and what we learned is that Bee Lips hurts like a motherfucker, and so we’re sorry about that, and we promise to return to our normal line of lipsticks and glosses ASAP, which are completely insect-free and also contain SPF 25.  Wow!

We at Thurlique are so grateful that you’ve stayed our loyal customer while we’ve been figuring out exactly who we want to be.  And while we apologize for our previous misfires, we also understand that greatness comes from risk, and that’s why you shop with us.  We’re risky, and that makes you great.

Sincerely,

The Thurlique Beauty Team

P.S. We’ve enclosed a sample of our new highlighting fluid, which is made from actual highlighter fluid– you know, the bright yellow stuff in those pens.  We call it “Look At Me” and we think you’re really going to like it.

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