Dude, just don’t do it.

Every stitch that girl puts into the sweater she makes you is another link in the chain that she will use to tether you and restrict your motions and your thoughts.  Sure, she’s passing this off as a sweet gesture– “I’d like to make you a sweater”– and at first that comes off as thoughtful and lovely, but you just wait, man, you just wait.

Shit.

First of all, can she even knit?  Because dude, even if you sort of want a sweater, you know, cause all you got is sweatshirts, then you’re going to be seriously sorry if you don’t check out her skills ahead of time.  You know why?  Because if she gets that fucker done and it looks like a scrambled birds’ nest, she is still going to expect you to wear it.  Because she made it with “love.”  Do you see the problem here? And guess what? If you don’t wear it, she’s going to start asking you about it and pretty soon she’s going to call and say “we have to talk” and then she’s going to start crying and you’re going to want to run away to work in an orphanage in Zimbabwe where, not only can nobody find you, but you will never even need a sweater.  Someone may try to make you a necklace, but don’t let that happen either.  You’re your own man, dude, and don’t ever let some chick put a thing on you.  No no no.

Don’t even be fooled by the promise of a scarf.  At first glance, a scarf would seem to be a pretty noncommittal gift, for the noncommittal relationship that we all desire.  And that would be great if it weren’t totally fucking false.  First of all, let’s think about what a scarf is.  It’s an itchy fucker that grabs you around the neck and if you get that thing stuck in something while you’re moving fast, there’s no way around it, your head is coming off.  Let’s face it, a scarf is a lethal instrument of control and possibly death, and there is no way you should ever consent to your girlfriend “casually” making a scarf for you while you’re watching TV.   Get a turtleneck. Because there is no “casual” where knitting is concerned.

Mittens are okay.

But anything else, dude, you better watch your back.  I am not even fucking kidding around here.  Fall is coming and shit is about to get real.

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