If you come home one day and find a fully articulated skeleton sitting on your couch watching tv, you’re probably going to want to know why.

But the truth of life is that we can’t always know why. Why is a big, mysterious question. And so a better, more manageable question might be “how”– and that is why we have science.

Given a little thought, you may deduce that the skeleton came into your home through one of several openings in your home to the outside world, those being:

1. The door(s)

2. The window(s)

3.  The toilet

4.  The shower or the sink

5. A hole in the wall in the basement that you didn’t know was there.

The first thing to do when you find yourself in this situation is to talk to the skeleton to see if it will tell you what is going on.  Chances are, it won’t, because skeletons are kind of assholes.  They’re the kind of assholes who think that just because they’ve been through a lot, that gives them a free pass to do whatever they want for the rest of their lives– in this case sit on your couch watching Animal Planet and eating your Bugles without even asking. And therefore making crumbs all over your couch.

If the skeleton won’t answer you, the second thing you might do is walk around your house and see if there are any small bones that the skeleton may have left behind that would clue you in to where exactly he or she came into your house.  There may not be, so prepare yourself for this disappointment.

When you’re in the basement and you hear screams coming from upstairs, you’ll know that the kids are home.  Make sure to reassure them that everything is just fine, and ask them if they remember science camp at all.  This is not really a fair question, since their science camp was about robots, and not self-animated skeletons. But science is really about everything, and if you pretend that this is a logical thing happening here, chances are they’ll see things that way, too.

At this point, it’s important just to go about your day (and night) as though nothing was wrong.  Skeletons are attention-seekers, and so if you don’t give them what they want, eventually they will just give up and go away and find satisfaction from someone else.  Someone who they can scare and bully and maybe someone who will keep buying Bugles for them to eat.

And that person will not be you.

 

 

 

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