Everyone’s trying to tell me what to do. 

“Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingaling, too…”  Yeah I hear it. Obviously.  How can you not hear it?  Cold air carries sound farther.  Those horses are probably 6 miles away and it sounds like they’re in bed with me.

“You better watch out, better not cry…”  Well.  I think any psychologist could tell you that holding your emotions in is unhealthy and can lead not only to neuroses and mental instability, but also real physical illnesses, like certain cancers and autoimmune disorders.   Is Santa working for the pharmaco-industrial complex?  Well, duh.  Look at him.  He’s a big old white man and he’s giving away all those toys every year like he’s Bill Gates in Africa, and honestly, it’s probably all just one big tax write-off for him.  Yeah he lives at the North Pole but what about his other houses?  There’s probably one in Bermuda or the south of France, maybe a big mega-yacht sitting in harbor in Lower Manhattan.   So you know what, Santa?  It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire I can get behind.  That sounds delicious.  Also, he’s just describing those chestnuts.  He’s not ordering me to eat them.  But I want to eat them anyway so if he did order me to eat them, I guess I would say, “oh all right” and take a handful.  And then when he wasn’t looking, stuff another handful in my pockets for later.

‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ is the most disgusting song that was ever written.  It’s borderline pornographic and I am shocked and appalled that schools force children to sing it year after year.  Especially since young children don’t yet know that daddy IS Santa Claus.  It sends the wrong message.  I say send it down the garbage chute and burn it.

“Deck the Halls?”  Guess what, I already did it.  Boom.

“Here We Come A-Wassailing?”  Get away from me.

“Do You Hear What I Hear?” Probably not, because I don’t have tinnitus. Not yet anyway.  But if those sleigh bells keep ting ting tingaling all night long, I’ll probably have it by tomorrow.

Since I’m up anyway, I might as well make a fruitcake.  That’s always popular, right?