I guess I am going to have to address this. Believe me, I would rather let it go and get on with the real issues of the day, the true problems of this country and my so-far-very-successful run for the United States Congress. But apparently, that’s not possible. So here we go:
Yes, there are pictures of me naked, outside of my shell currently circulating on the internet. Yes, that is me. Clarence B. Tripskunk, the first hermit crab to run for Congress. And no, I was not doing anything weird. I did nothing wrong. The reports that I was out mating are simply not true. If you knew anything about the mating habits of hermit crabs, you would know that we don’t have to emerge all the way from our shells to mate. We only have to go halfway.
In the circulating photos, I was simply looking for a bigger shell. This is what happens to us: we outgrow certain shells, and we have to go off and look for a new one, a bigger one, whatever. Do I really have to explain myself? No, I was not at a hermit crab orgy. Sometimes when it’s new-shell time, we all congregate and do a swap. So yes, a lot of us were naked. Did it mean anything? No, it did not. Do I take photos of you going through open houses and post them all over the Twitterverse, hoping to take you down? No I do not. So that’s all I have to say about that. Thank you for your attention. And yes, this is a new shell. It’s slightly loose, and it’s blue, and I think it’s going to take me very comfortably through at least 2012, maybe 2013. So if you’ve got a camera trained on me right now, as I’m typing this (myself, very slowly), you can just forget about it. Get a life, people.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a press conference to attend, and a bunch of schoolchildren to meet and greet. And a few of their classroom hermit crab prisoners to free. See? There are real issues in this country. Now let’s get down to business, shall we?