This letter is to inform you that your home has been selected as the perfect new site of the future Piranhas stadium. As you are surely aware, the Piranhas are a professional football team with many thousands of devoted fans, and they bring with them plentiful opportunities for ticket sales, gift shops, TV deals, and paid parking. Building a stadium on the site of your current home would create jobs, expand opportunity, and create valuable business traffic in your otherwise quiet and– dare we say desolate?–residential neighborhood.
Your home, by contrast, is a small blue ranch-style home that, as far as we can tell, contains only you and your cat. You seem to spend a lot of time at your computer and you don’t clean your bathroom very often. You’ve been underemployed for over six months and your garage only fits one car, and that car needs repair. Plus the Piranhas’ team colors are red and gold, and your house is blue, so you can see you are off to a poor start.
Homeowner, if you think about it, you will understand that the very concept of America means success, and that is why we are prepared to offer you four thousand dollars and eighty five cents to bulldoze your home on or before July 14.
Should you turn down this offer, you should know that we are fully prepared to come in through your window and remove you from your home, with or without your cat, after which bulldozers will follow to flatten everything in sight. We would like your ellipitical trainer though, so you should remove that from the home, first. The Piranhas love elliptical trainers.
Should you resist the men coming through your window to create progress, be aware that we are prepared to chop you into bits in your very own living room and feed you into a giant blender and flush the whole mess of you down your own toilet. We hope you don’t have one of those low-flow ones. They don’t really save water because you have to flush them so many times. We know that you know this.
Homeowner, Americans love football and they would love to watch football taking place where you are now sitting—according to our spies sitting in the white van across the street, you are sitting on your plaid couch and holding a can of Milwaukee’s Best. Please think about this, homeowner, and then come to the correct conclusion–for yourself AND for America. We’ll be watching, and waiting.
Everybody, especially The Piranhas.