Welcome to Labor Day, and we here at Cisco-WalMart-PetCo-ABC-NBC-Comcast-OxyClean-Chrystler would like to recognize your hard work by laying you off.

Most companies will give you just one day off for Labor Day.  Not us.  We see how hard you’ve worked these past 15 years, building us from many small companies to the giant lumbering behemoth with the enormous bottom line (shake it, shake it), and to us, it just wouldn’t seem fair to give you only one day off for all your trouble.  So once you pack that file box that we’ve assembled and set very gingerly on your office chair, you’re free to take the day off—and every single day after that!  Freedom!

Unemployment?  What about it?  Will get get it?  You mean a government handout?  If you want it, I guess.  Oh wait.  You only worked 34 1/2 hours a week for the past five years.  You need to have worked 35 hours a week to be considered a full time employee entitled to all the privileges that entails.  But you don’t like entitlements anyway, do you?  Of course you don’t.  Because we’re Americans–the original independent contractors.  Number one, number one!

So what are you gonna do this weekend?  Just chillax on the beach, I bet.  Sizzle up a few wieners, crack open a Leines.  Celebrate!  In it to win it.  Hey is it okay if we call you if the new guy we hired to take your job at 1/3 of the pay turns out to be a psychopath?  No?  Maybe?  Cool.  Chillin’.

Hey have you ever seen waterskiiers sliding around the lake in one of those pyramid things?  Now THERE’S a special skill set.  No problem finding work, those kids.  They’ve got that niche all plugged up.

Anywho, have a good one, and by one I mean life.  You’re gonna do great things, I can smell it!


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