Sorry about all those school lunches that are, all these years later, apparently the real cause of your chronic medical conditions and inability to think positively for more than 30 seconds at a time, but we’ve turned things around, and school’s starting next week so we thought you’d want to know what’s on the menu.


Granola sandwiches with sprout sculptures perched on top of a sliced apple and served with cat milk. Also: grapes.


Tofurkey shapes with minced squash ropes surrounding three pieces of fifteen-grain bread, soaked in beef broth and topped with one lima bean.  Chocolate milk.


Two-layer salad:  Iceberg lettuce and dressing, served with a bun-free broccoli burger studded with corn.  Optional: two empty pita pockets.


Beefalo stew on a rice cake sprinkled with one brussels sprout and half a carrot.  Nonalcololic  bloody marys for dessert.


If you want something else you should bring it yourself.  We’re doing everything we can back here, and none of us has health insurance.


The Lunch Ladies