They said a cow could not win the Fringe Festival, and yet here I am, standing next to my Best of the Fest trophy, which I just knocked over with my tail. Could somebody pick that up please?  Thanks.

Not to brag, but this show came pretty easily for me. If you didn’t see it it was called The Hunted:  Confessions of a Bovine Meat Machine, and it’s my one-cow story of how I was bred for meat in a small enclosed space in a small town, and after a long period where I was acting out by eating a lot of grain and belching tremendous loads of CO2 into the atmosphere, pretty much ruining the ozone layer but I didn’t care–finally I broke free and leaped the fence and made a run for it and very stealthily ingratiated myself into a free-range herd I had heard about about fifteen miles down the road.

Why are there flies in here?

Anyway.  A lot of the show is about what I was thinking about as I walked down that long road–the people I met, the ones who offered to give me a ride, the ones that didn’t stop, and the time animal control came and then got one look at me and said ‘forget it’ and turned around and went back to the city.  That’s because I don’t have these big gentle cow eyes all the time.  When I need to, I can be very hard, and my big cow eyes can narrow into little menacing slits, and despite what you’ve heard about cows, I can run very, very fast.  I can also leap about seven feet straight up into the air, and that’s the last time I ever saw the animal control people.

I don’t need to tell you that fifteen miles is kind of a long way for a cow to walk–a cow who is used to just sitting around and having someone bring him grain.  That’s why I’m so in shape right now.  And that’s also why I want to start my non-profit now for other cows who might be into making long-distance treks like the one I did.  I’m having a fun run next weekend called Lean Into the Meat, and you can choose from 2K, 5K, or 10K distances.  So come out for that, it’s going to be pretty fun.  And we’ve got fresh gas-free grass at the end of it.

Anyway I have a lot of people to thank for coming to my show, you know who you are and I’ll meet you at the party so we can talk in person. But just know that this story is not over, it’s all a part of a journey, and next year I hope to come back to the fest with Part II of the journey ready for you to hear. Please, if you want to approach me for an autograph, do so slowly and from the side.  Otherwise I might kick you.

Thank you for this tremendous honor and I’ll see you next year.