As part of our ongoing efforts to serve you–the cell phone-using public–we at PhoneSounds Inc are constantly updating our stable of quality ear-catching ring tones. However, progress often means letting go of the old–recognizing what doesn’t work; what almost works but in the end, doesn’t; and what is just plain annoying– and clearing it out of the way to make space for something else. So in that spirit of never-ending American individualism, we are proud, sad, elated, resigned, and determined to report that we are retiring the following ring tones for the ’10-’11 business cycle:
1. Cuisinart blender making cookie dough
2. Car tires spinning out on ice (sounds very similar to #1)
3. Obese man on mile 2 of a 2-1/2 mile jog (heavy breathing)
4. Lawnmower running over a rake
5. Four cats shaken up in a cardboard box
6. Car plunging off a bridge embankment into the ocean and exploding, attacked by sharks
7. The sound of one hand clapping (too faint to hear in public)
8. Chipmunk heartbeat
9. Chunk of glacier the size of New Hampshire shearing off and plunging into the ocean
10. 14 exploding (empty) schoolbuses (sounds too much like #9)
We will be sorry to see our 10 sound-friends leave us. However, with every temporary screen that falls out of a 2nd floor window, a trap door opens somewhere, and this trap door leads us to our new generation of PhoneSounds ringtones. In that spirit of joy, independence, despair, and perseverance, we are impassive to announce the arrival of our next-generation ringtones!
1. Marshmallow exploding in a microwave oven
2. Guy cutting his finger while chopping a zuchhini. (ow, damn it!)
3. The sound of the New York Subway doors trying to close (bing bong bing bong bing bong) when there is someone standing in the way and the conductor is very impatient.
4. Deli worker unpeeling 14 pieces of salami from the stack. (thip thip thip thip)
5. Woman opening a squeaky wooden underwear drawer very slowly.
6. Child slowly falling over on his or her bike because the neighbors edged their lawn and the bike wheel went right in there.
7. Meteor hitting the earth and the dinosaur reaction (screeeeeeee, boom—Aooooooo)
8. Whales–not singing, but just talking (pass the salt, thanks)
9. Leaky hot air balloon (flameup…psssssffffffft)
10. Sandsnake coming for your beach tent.