Thank you for participating in this, the 4th annual Timberland Megathlon, 27 miles of running, 2.8 miles of swimming, and 113 miles of biking, not in that order. This is just slightly longer than a normal triathlon, but it is indeed longer, so you can stuff it in the faces of all your friends who think they’re cool because they’ve done a triathlon. But have they done a Megathlon? No they have not. Eat it.
Before we begin, I just want to go over some quick safety tips for the event. First of all, we’ve set up several bacon stations along the way. I know normally races like this provide water, bananas, or orange slices to keep you going, but that’s why they’re regular triathlons, and we’re a megathlon. Please limit yourself to two strips of bacon per bacon station. We’ve also set up several cake stations along the way, so if you miss a bacon station you will know that there is a cake station not too far ahead. Or stop at both if you feel like it, to really get yourself charged up. This does not apply for the swimming portion of the race, as you might imagine. Cake does not hold together well in water, and bacon gets soggy. So in the swimming portion of the race, if you find yourself getting hungry, we have stationed co-swimmers along the way who will swim along with you and feed you slices of watermelon, which are wet anyway, and so moving them through the water towards your mouth will not hurt anything. You need to keep your energy up.
That said, people are often slow during the swimming portion of the event, and even though you might be slowing down a BIT for your watermelon breaks (one watermelon station per 1/8 of a mile) to ensure you will get your fastest time, we have also marked off the race course with nets all the way to the bottom of the lake, and tossed in 14 giant muskies in with you. They WILL nip at your toes, and that is your cue to GET MOVING! Do NOT kick the muskies. They are there for your benefit and your benefit only.
At the end of the race, should you make it, we understand that you will be beaten down emotionally as well as physically, which is why we’ve brought in several hundred semi-beautiful women who will hand you a towel and say things to you like, “wow, you are so fast and strong, how do you do it?” or if you’re one of those so-called women doing this race, we will provide you with your very own man with a lot of hair who will wrap a towel around your shoulders at the end of the race and say, “Wow, you sure are beautiful without makeup. And I can tell by the way you are hunched over breathing hard that you have a great sense of humor, too. Would you like to go out for a big pasta feast on me?”
For those who are unsure about their sexuality, we will also provide companion dogs who will come over to you and wag their tails encouragingly and put their paw on your chest as you lay gasping for air on the ground.
If you need to vomit at the end, please do so in the clearly marked “Vomit Here” receptacles. Please do not go around vomiting willy-nilly like people did last year. It’s unbecoming, for one thing.
Bacon and cake stations will also be available at the finish line.
Good luck racers ready set go! (bang)