When you have something to say that is beyond words, a message you can’t convey in a Hallmark card or body language or silence or even through a series of increasingly regrettable emails followed up by a even dumber phone call where you say, “do you get what I’m saying?” and the person hangs up on you—then it’s time for a visit to Smooshy’s Specialty Desserts.
Smooshy’s–where we specialize in desserts that send a strong and clear message in situations where words would surely fail you. Here is a sample of what’s on the menu this week at Smooshy’s:
1. Banana Cream Float with a Chocolate Chip Cookie on the Bottom.
When you want to say : “I know you majored in the wrong thing, honey, but your four years of college are over and it’s time to start thinking about making compromises now, because you’re an adult, and also because we’re not going to pay for any more college, and maybe a better idea would be for you to go out and get a job and start earning some money, if you can find a job, that is, since, did you hear, the unemployment rate is still over 9%? I hear Sbarro’s is hiring.”
2. Marshmallows Drizzled in Honey and Surrounded by Licorice Whips with Caramel Extract in the Long Tube Part.
When you want to say: “Oh my god you had a baby? Are you serious? That means you successfully reproduced with a man. You. You did that. I guess this means there is someone out there who is attracted to you. Can I ask you where he is right now? Yeah I know he’s not here. I can see that. Oh there it is, your wedding ring. Wow. So you’re married, too. That’s amazing. Good for you. Let me ask you something. Have you ever worn makeup? Even once? Just curious. Jealous? Me? Don’t be trite. Anyway I think the word you’re searching for is ‘envious’. Anyway. It was really really great to—oops, looks like it’s naptime. Is his face supposed to do that? ”
3. Fresh Peaches and Blackberries in a Gluen-Free Crust and Doused with Beer that we Light on Fire.
When you want to say: “I am really sorry that I broke up with you and then said maybe I wasn’t sure about it and then we got back together and then I remembered with much vividness the sound you make when you gulp down water (glup glup glup), and I always hated that sound and I hate it even more now, so we broke up again and then I realized I was gay and I pursued that and you went and got your degree in arts administration which just was not a very good idea and I could have told you that except that Travis doesn’t like me talking to my exes and so I don’t and now you’re heartbroken AND on a terrible career trajectory (these are YOUR decisions, Candace…your LIFE is the RESULT of the CONSEQUENCES of your DECISIONS oh never mind–), but please don’t feel bad about any of this, my rejection of you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means you’re a much worse person than I thought you were, which says NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about my exacting expectations that I am hoping my partner will just know without me having to say what they are, which you could never do. And also, as I think I mentioned before, I am gay. Is that okay? Write me back.”
*******deals on cakes*********deals on custards********deals on leftover peanut brittle shards*******fruit soup***
And these are just a FEW of the MANY specialty desserts we have this week at Smooshy’s Specialty Desserts. But if you have a special message that we do not yet cover, we would be happy to personalize a dessert just for you, with an added $15.99 added on to the perfectly reasonable cost of $42.29 per specialty dessert (feeds 8). When you have something you need to say in the form of a dessert, you know who to come to:
SMOOSHY’S: we’re not kidding.