To be fair, that’s not the only thing I do in the woods. I do a lot of things in the woods, so get over yourselves. I walk in the woods, I eat in the woods, I sleep in the woods,-I fill out my tax forms in the woods–everything. Why do we have to focus on just that one thing?
Do you take a shower in your bathroom? Ha ha. See? Now forever and ever you’re going to be known as the person who takes a shower in the bathroom. You loser. Shower-taker. You know who NEVER takes a shower in a bathroom? Me. A bear. I get clean in a stream. In the woods. Bingo! Chalk that one up–yet another thing I do in the woods! My god, there are so many!
Yeah the pope is Catholic, too, but once in a while he also plays Parcheesi. You see what I’m getting at? Expand your focus, people. Also please leave your car a little big more open when you go camping and you leave your GORP in there. I don’t want to destroy your ride any more than you want to be stranded and vulnerable in the woods with a hungry bear four feet away from you. Thanks for your consideration.
You know what I’m up to today? I’m writing a couple of chapters in my novel. That’s right, my novel. You didn’t know I was writing a book, did you? Well I am. Guess where I’m doing that? (hint: the woods). My novel is about a squirrel who goes to the big city and gets a job in an office and falls in love with a rat who will have none of it and then the squirrel gets depressed and climbs up to a ledge on a very tall building and is just about to jump off and that’s where I am right now. If you want to read the rest of it I guess you’re just going to have to buy the book.
Also if anybody knows of a good literary agent who might read me, I would appreciate the tip. I can’t pay you though. You can use my burrow for a while though if you want. But use it now, in the summer, because I’m going to be in there from November on.
Oh shoot. I gotta go do something. I ate too many grubs this morning. You know what, never mind. I didn’t say anything. My book is going to be called Urban Rodents and I think it’s coming out in the winter. Just saying. Hang on, I’ll be right back.