Here at Generalized Foods, we are not in the habit of putting toys in our boxes of cereal.  To us this is a cheap trick designed to get the attention of vulnerable children, and hook them on a habit of eating brightly colored, high-sugar-content cereals while they are still young enough to get type 2 diabetes by the age of 10.However, with the recent explosion in the availability of so many new cereals (did you know that the “cereal aisle”—which used to be just one aisle, now takes up 4 or 5 of usually 6 or 7 grocery store aisles? ), we have been forced to add extra bonus things to our own boxes of cereal.  In keeping with our image as a healthy company, we are not adding frivolous toys to our cereal boxes, however.  Like our cereals, we are giving you things that you don’t particularly want, but that you need.  Things that are good for you.  For example, here are things that you may find in your next box of Generalized Foods brand cereal:

1.  Crunch Nuts:  a living will

2. Wheat Cubes:   an interest-free checking account

3.  Pyramids of Oats:  a FAFSA form for when you have to go back to school (again) and re-apply for financial aid

4.  Smashed-up Granola:  a pamphlet about renter’s insurance

5.  Sharp Corners of Grain:  a waterproof breast/testicle self-exam hanging shower guide (one exam on each side)

6.  Corn and Stuff:  a sticker to put on your dashboard reminding you of when you’re due for your  next oil change

7.  Crispy Healthy Critters: a tongue scraper

8.  Oatmeal Pancake Miracle:  a glue stick and a spork

9.  Maze of Maize: seeds for a mystery plant

10. Barely Barley: a coupon for 40% off your very own Recessa Annie doll (signature required on delivery)