This is your personal invitation to the home of Carlos and Juanita Herfladio, the poor but emotionally rich peasants who every morning rise at dawn to hand-pick the finest quality coffee beans to be lovingly hand ground, or, shall I say, paw-ground, by the emotionally damaged although recovering shelter dogs that the Herfladios have taken in over the years. There’s Pepper, Julio, Sonic, and Whitney, and you can choose which dog you would like to grind your beans depending on whether you like your coffee ground fine, super fine, medium, or chunky.
The Herfladios have gone through many trials and tribulations through the years, what with the sudden loss of their only child, Fanita, to the lures of the capitalistic and materialistic society of North Dakota, where she is going to school to become a registered dietician. Fanita has no desire to take over her parents’ farm, but instead has fallen in love with a conflicted young man named Chad, who comes from east coast money but, ironically, wants nothing other than to flee modern life and have a goat farm in the Kentucky hillside. He’s been looking up properties in Kentucky online, which concerns Fanita greatly because, being a vegan, Fanita doesn’t know what to do with goats. Last night she made a salad entirely out of kidney beans and Brussels sprouts—a “heavy salad” as she called it, and Chad said “where’s the main course?” and Fanita said “that is the main course” and Chad said “oh” and they haven’t talked much since.
Carlos and Juanita Herfladio would be happy to give you a tour of their coffee farm. They would like to know how you have enjoyed the fruits of their grueling and yet gratifying labor over these past 20 years. Did you realize you’ve been drinking coffee for 20 years? Well you have. At least that many. Just ask Carlos and Juanita. They have a chart that they have lovingly made by hand for each and every one of their beloved customers, tracking not only patterns of coffee consumption, but also the frequency and consistency of the resulting bowel movements. There are many gold stars on this quite-large chart, and when asked what those stars are for, Carlos and Juanita simply smile. When asked how they get such detailed, personal information about each and every one of their hundreds of thousands of coffee drinkers, Carols and Juanita say, “shhhhh. Trade secret” and they turn on some music that you would be able to dance to if knew how to do the steps.
Fanita is struggling in her own way but Carlos and Juanita are happy, they are always happy, and they would be even happier if you came to see them, and also brought along a million dollars, please. Thank you very much and they and the dogs hope to greet you at the rustic gates of their farm at 10:22 on July the 22nd, that’s next month. If you can’t make it, please reschedule another time.