Please take this handy waterproof pamphlet with you and staple it to your swimsuit for easy reference. Thank you.

BULLETIN

If you are a swimmer, there will certainly be times when you are caught in a riptide, and find yourself being pulled, helplessly, out to sea, where the sharks and the wild octopuses and the giant sucking whirlpools are just hanging out, waiting to rip you to shreds and swallow you down to the bottom of the ocean.

Do not panic.

Instead, chill out and swim WITH the riptide.  Go directly in the direction of your doom, and also a little bit towards the shore.  A little bit.  Not so much that the sharks will notice, or they’ll swim in and get you anyway.

Relax your muscles. Stay on the top of the water and don’t let your legs dangle down into the stinging jellyfish and poisonous algae.  Because they are there.  They are definitely, definitely there.

Also there’s a giant clam down there that you can’t see, and it’s eaten swimmers bigger than you before.  Usually it’s best to just not know about these things but we figured as long as we were telling you about other stuff…well, never mind.

Keep breathing.  You can breathe out your mouth or your nose, it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that you refrain from inhaling water into your lungs and drowning yourself before the octopuses can wrap their tentacles around your legs and pull you down closer and closer to their sharp, snapping beaks.  That would be ironic.  You shouldn’t be so self destructive.

Keep kicking.  Don’t stop. There’s a piece of driftwood. but just let it go by, because you don’t want to say that the only reason you survived is because a piece of driftwood happened to float by.  Then this whole experience will mean nothing.  Just keep going.

What was that on your leg?  Something brushed up against your leg.  You know what, don’t worry about it.  But better kick a little harder, because there’s the end of the shoreline right there.  After that it’s all ocean all the time, and you know what that means.  And I don’t mean surfing.

Hey!  Are you swimming with the riptide? No you are not.  You have turned around and are swimming directly against it.  This will get you nowhere, I can promise you.  This pamphlet promises you.  You are going to wear yourself out and the angry squids will get you.  We’ve seen it before.

There you go. Just turn around and go with it.  A little towards the shore.  Better hurry up though. Relax.  Breathe.   Hurry up. Chill Out.

Let us know how that goes.  Make a copy of this pamphlet and give it to a friend if you make it back to shore.

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