There is a ghost ship at the bottom of the ocean, a ship that sank while carrying 4 billion doubloons. Adventurer Cam Smagden is determined to get to it. He thinks he knows where it is and he’s not telling you where.
“By God I’m going to find it,” said Cam, scanning the ocean floor with his sonar laser.
On the first trip down, he got tangled in a bunch of jellyfish legs, and got stung all to hell.
“Bad timing,” said Cam Smagden. And he went down again. And a shark nipped him.
“I punched it in the face, like you’re supposed to,” said Cam. “It’s not a problem, I’ll try again.”
Cam went down again, and he went too fast, so he got disoriented, and had to come right back up. “It’s because I have such a strong kick,” said Cam, recovering with a self-administered IV drip. He was alone on his boat so he wouldn’t have to work with anyone who might want to take a cut of the doubloons. And that meant he mixed and plugged in his own IVs, cooked his own food, drew his own maps, and checked his own oxygen tank. Was it lonely out there? Who knows, thought Cam, I have no idea. I’m here to do a job.
That night he went down again, but the batteries in his underwater flashlight went out, and he got lost. And then an eel chased him.
“I’ll try again tomorrow,” said Cam.
The next day a small tsunami passed through. Cam rode it and that afternoon he went down. But then he realized that the tsunami had pushed him off course. And he spent the rest of the day putting back to the spot.
The next morning he went down again. Two octopuses were fighting and he got in the middle of it by accident. They squirted black ink and again, he got lost, and lost a bunch of time. “I’m not giving up,” said Cam. “Those doubloons are mine. MINE!”
The next day he went down again and got stuck in a coral reef.
Then he went down and a snapping turtle bit him on the flank.
The next day he went down again, and got a leg cramp and came back up with swimmer’s itch.
Then it was the bends. Then he ran into a dolphin blockade. Then he fell asleep underwater. Then he was attacked by some killer algae (survived). Then he thought he found the doubloons but really it was a different ship that sank while carrying Hostess Cupcakes to New Jersey. They were still good. He tried again and accidentally wrapped the tow line around his neck. So he had to go back up. Then his wetsuit sprung a leak. He sewed it up but shortly thereafter began experiencing depth-related incontinence. Then he got nipped by another shark. And then the squids started trailing him.
Then he ran out of oxygen.
“I guess I gotta go back to shore,” said Cam. “But I’ll be back. I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this.”