People always ask that question about whether you’d prefer to be able to fly, or be invisible. Regular people choose one or the other. But I, Brandon Mettlefink, was bold enough to ask: why can’t I do both? And that is just what I did. Through hard work, night classes, a whole pile of meditation tapes, and a realization that good food gives you good energy, I became, over the course of five to six months, both invisible and able to fly.
I’m not saying I regret this decision now, however I have learned that having everything (invisible/flight) also comes with some unexpected challenges:
1. Planes cannot see you when you are invisible/flying. Sometimes you can’t see them either because of the clouds. I have had many, many close calls. Am considering wearing an orange vest.
2. When you land to use a public roadside restroom, it is good to become visible again, or else people will try to force their way into the bathroom stall without realizing that somebody is in there. And you can’t really yell “I’m In Here!” when you’re invisible, because that would really freak people out. It’s best to land in the woods, or behind a warehouse where nobody can see you, become visible again, and THEN use the restroom.
3. Part of the thrill of flying involves looking out and seeing your own hands/body flying through the air. When you look out and you don’t see anything, you wonder if you’re really there at all. It’s still fun, but you sort of feel like wind, which brings to mind the phrase “run like the wind”–which now I realize makes no sense at all because wind does not run, it flies, and anyway how do we know it’s all that fast because nobody can see it anyway?
4. When you bring snacks with you on a flight, these snacks will not also become invisible. Nor will your clothes. So you do in fact have to fly naked, which is fine, but if you are flying naked with food, it is possible that someone might catch a glimpse of an apple or a beef jerky flying through the air all by itself. Ultimately this is their problem, but if you’re trying to be invisible, truly invisible, maybe it’s best to stick to short flights, and eat enough beforehand so you don’t have to bring food.
5. Loneliness. There is supposedly a community of persons out there who are both invisible and able to fly, but I don’t know where they are or who they are, because they are invisible (and flying). I only hope I don’t fly smack into one of them one of these days. Or actually, I hope I do.
6. Realization: there is no point to invisibility. Why did I get a double-major? Invisibility is only to not be seen and that leads to #5, which is not worth it, even if you DO really think you need to overhear that conversation in the women’s bathroom so you know if a certain person likes another certain person or not (tip: she does, she just can’t see a certain person. Whoops.). I am glad I learned how to be invisible but it is not a skill one needs to keep up, much like walking on stilts. It’s a novelty but makes it hard to climb stairs. Stilts that is.
7. I can jump off buildings. But I choose not to, because sometimes people try to arrest you. Why not jump off of cliffs instead?
8. I can go anywhere for free, just me and a backpack and some lip balm. And an orange vest. I have learned not to land in corn fields, however. Ouch. Beaches are best. If you’re on one now, look out, incoming.