Dear employees:

Due to the economy and the weak job market, we are hereby phasing out “Casual Friday” as we find it presumptuous that any of you would currently be casual about your jobs.  You should be grateful to have one at all, truly, and it does not properly express gratitude to sidle in four minutes late every day sporting saggy jeans, wet hair, and a t-shirt that says “Get a Grip”.

So Casual Friday is out, and we are replacing it with Formal Monday, to set the tone for the rest of the week.  On Formal Monday it wil be black tie from here on out–men will required to wear tuxedos, and women shall wear ball gowns or whatever the equivalent of tuxedos are these days for women.  This does not mean a sundress or a cocktail-length thing that you can wear out after hours, ladies.   We’re talking floor-length elegance,  with elbow-length gloves and an updo.  Maybe a small necklace. If that is uncomfortable to sit in for 8 hours a day, then you may stand, just make sure you maintain correct posture or you will ruin the look of the dress, and then why even have Formal Mondays at all?

Men:  if you don’t have a tuxedo you may rent one from Snyder’s Formal Male down the street, but we highly recommend that you purchase your own.

And this does not excuse any of you from kitchen-cleaning duties.  Just FYI.  The new schedule is posted on the fridge, and later today Jeanne will be throwing out anything that is not labeled, so if you want to save anything, better act now.

Thank you, and timesheets need to be in my office by 3 PM.

Sincerely,

You know who.

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