Conclusion

In conclusion, this study has proved beyond a reasonable doubt that salmon do in fact spawn out of compulsion and a need to please, and not out of a genuine desire to swim upstream, which makes them resentful of the highly exhausting counterintuitive migration,  even in pursuit of what would normally be a joyful and life-affirming ritual of mating. Therefore, mindfulness training mixed with individual or group salmon talk therapy is likely to improve morale and self-directedness of salmon attitudes in the adventure/mating trajectory.

Limitations of the Study

This study, while almost perfect in every way, also has a few small limitations.

First we have no numbers.  Data was gathered through the investigators sitting on a riverbank and watching salmon, and imagining what they must be thinking.   Also, our two investigators, Julianne Mernon and Kyle Memphis, tend to have the same sort of ideas about these sorts of things, which is why they work together.

Secondly, there was no control group, so if a different batch of salmon would have appeared more joyful and/or voluntary about their intensive mating journey, Julianne and Kyle did not witness that.

Third, this study was funded entirely by Julianne Mernon and Kyle Memphis, who also own a puppet theater specializing in plays featuring salmon in the lead roles.   The Salmon Summerstock Theater.  And Julianne and Kyle are also working on a play called Mixed Motivations, about the journey of a salmon from resistance and ego entitlement to one of a soft opening of the (very small) heart that involves a transformation and a realization which we can’t tell you about because they want you to come to the play this summer, Aug. 4-17, at the Hula Heaven outdoor amphitheater just off highway 51 and close to the Dairy Queen, the one that had a brazier grill for a while but then stopped.

Fourth, as you may have noticed, the entire study was written in verse, which likely renders it nearly impossible for other scientists to read or care about.  Also the study was self-published on the internet on a blog.

Those points made, this study is important and ground-breaking and will mean something to you and your children for years to come.  Also: more study is needed.  Thanks for listening.

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