“Hey I know,” said a badger. “Let’s play this game. If you could come back as any kind of person after you died, what kind of a person would you be?”
The deer spoke first. “I would be an obese child who plays a lot of video games,” said the deer. “a lot less running around, and nobody shoots at that kind of person.”
“I think I’d like to be an airline pilot,” said the snake. “Just to get a different perspective. Also because deep down I would know I was a snake, and snakes are not supposed to fly through the air. Like, ever.”
“There’s a reason for that,” said a nearby bear, who was squatting behind a tree. There was a moment of awkward silence and then the bear came out. “I think I would want to be a Chinese seamstress working in a huge factory making t-shirts with funny sayings on them,” said the bear. “Not just because I have a good sense of humor, but also because I want to know what it’s like to have fine motor skills and delicate, useful fingers. That would be awesome,” said the bear.
“Why am I not supposed to fly through the air?” asked the snake. “You sounded like that would be a bad thing.”
“Think about it,” said the deer. “Flying snakes. The world would come to a standstill. People would be afraid to go outside.”
“We’re already outside,” said the badger.
“Well, sometimes. But I have a den.” said the bear.
“You’re not everybody,” said the snake.
“Let’s not fight,” said the badger. “Besides, I didn’t get to say what I wanted to be yet.”
“Say it then,” said the deer, scratching its butt up against a tree.
“I’d own one of those ice cream trucks that sings songs, and drive around making people happy.”
“And fat, with the metabolic syndrome,” said the deer.
“You just said you WANTED to be fat,” said the snake.
“Oh yeah. Well I guess I’ll frequent your ice cream truck then,” said the deer.
“Also, is it metabolic syndrome, or THE metabolic syndrome?” asked the snake.
“Who cares?” said the bear.
“Right who cares?” said the badger. “That’s not my problem. Anyway that’s what I would do. Ice cream truck. So now what should we do?”
The animals sat and stared at each other.
“Volleyball?” offered the snake.
“Let’s do it,” said the deer. And they all got up and set up the net.