“Just answer yes or no,” said the Congressperson from Ohio. “Did you or did you not mislead investors at a time when you knew the financial products you were offering were likely to collapse and lead to financial ruin for your clients?”
There was a pause. Cameras snapped.
“I believe that every man woman and child is entitled to a financial product that works hard to serve their needs, and that also, there is a terrific pizza joint down the street, and you know what they do? They stuff their crusts with cheese.” said the tan guy with the mysteriously white teeth. In the third row, someone started clapping, and then stopped.
“That’s not the question,” said the Congressperson from Ohio. “Yes or no, did you mislead your clients?”
“You see I never would have thought to stuff a crust with cheese. Imagine that, even me, and I think of everything” said the man, biting into a pomegranate and spilling red juice down the front of his shirt. “In college I used to press designer raisins into the soft parts of loaves of bread, because I wanted that particular bread and those particular raisins, but I did not have the time to bake my own bread and deposit the raisins in, and wait for that whole process to happen,” said the man with the flashing cufflinks. “You see, I’m a very busy man, which is why, when I took a shower this morning, I used the same shower gel for both my hair and my body, and it smells terrific.” A small brown servant ran up and began dabbing at his shirt with a linen cloth and some tonic water.
“Did you ask your clients to sign a document that said after 10 days, their houses would be razed to the ground and they would have to move into an RV park on the shores of Lake Superior and also contract hepatitis?”
“Even though liquid shower gel creates a significant environmental problem, vis-a-vis adding more plastic junk to the whirling garbage vortex in the middle of the Pacific Ocean….I strongly believe it is worth it for me to smell like a mixture of cedar and vetevier, day after day,” said the man who probably weighed 220 pounds, mostly muscle. “It stimulates my neuronal idea pathways, and I’m an idea man.”
“Did you in fact write your contracts in Arabic and tell your clients, ‘don’t worry about it’ when they expressed concern that they could not understand what they were signing?”
“Language is a subjective measure of communication,” said the man, leaning back in his chair. “They say that 98% of communication takes place through body language, which is why email will ultimately fail, and so will legal contracts. I’m very much about handshakes and scuba diving,” said the man with tons of hair. “There’s so much more undertanding to be had when you’re underwater with an octopus.”
“Don’t change the subject,” said the Congressperson. “Did you or did you not personally put on a black cat suit and go sneaking through a middle class suburb in North Dakota with a tiki torch, setting fire to up to 12 homes that you had mortgaged–”
“Have you ever taken a hot air balloon trip across the Indian Ocean and crashed in Pakistan? But at a good restaurant? Because I have—”
“Did you or did you not do this?” asked the Congressperson from Ohio.
There was a pause. The man with the tan and the white teeth and the pinstriped suit, and also a yacht moored off the coast of Massachusetts somewhere, he wasn’t even sure where, thought about the question. He furrowed his brow.
“There are certain throughoutbred horses bred speficicaly for the Kentucky Derby,” said the man, “and they fetch up to 9.2 million–” and with that he jumped out of his chair and ran out of the room. He was so fast that nobody could stop him. The swinging doors eventually came to rest and the cameras stopped flashing.
The person in the third row again started clapping, and did not stop.