Important scientific studies show that 9 out of 10 children in the U.S. are morbidly obese, and that it’s all their fault.
For the past five years we have been bombarding children with the message that they must raise their heart rate for at least 60 minutes per day, and maintain an aerobic capacity great enough where it is hard to breathe, but yet not too hard to talk, still our nation’s children refuse to do even this basic minimum task of self-care.
We have also been slipping pamphlets under our childrens’ doors, urging them to keep track of their caloric intake on a spreadsheet, and keeping a food log that they carry around with them. We have even developed an electronic version of this tracking system, to increase the motivation of these Internet-age children who, simply by virtue of being born when they were, are so very, VERY different from you and me. Oh, very much so.
We have done all of these things, and still our children are fat.
A previous study showed that perhaps our children were fat simply because they did not understand the science behind the very smart recommendations that we were making. Therefore, we cut down recess time by 75% and replaced it with science classes.
After we did that, studies showed that children were not only still fat, but now they were fat and jittery. So another study showed that a good idea would be to put them all on Ritalin so they could concentrate on the science.
Well now they’re sitting still in their seats, but they’re still fat. And perhaps that’s because they’re not getting enough parental guidance at home. Perhaps their families are not spending enough time with them engaging in group activities. And so we have now decided that children should not be allowed to walk home from school by themselves. This letter is to inform you parents that you are now required to pick up your children in a car as soon as school lets out, even if you only live a block away. During the car ride home, please provide your child with heart-healthy snacks like apple-flavored cheese sticks (low fat) or juice made to taste like it has sugar in it, but it does not, and reinforce the message that your child needs to lose weight for his or her own physical and mental well-being.
Also make sure that your child is strapped in, because most accidents happen only two blocks from home, which is where many of you will be.
Please help us in our quest to make our children less fat, while also learning about science. Attached is a weight tracking chart. Please fill it out over the next few weeks and if your child loses weight, we’ll send you some money.
The American Academy of Scientific Ideas