lives on his own terms and has 14 trophies on the back of his toilet, and 116 more scattered throughout his home, which he built by hand using architectural plans he held only in his mind.  The house won an award and was featured in Dwell magazine.  Seven times in the past three years.

The rest of the awards and trophies are from all sorts of things–a typing award, (250 wpm), an Oscar, a football trophy, and a blue ribbon from an equestrian competition.

In the hallway there is an advanced degree from Harvard, and across from that there is a picture of the Most Confident Man standing between Bono and Nelson Mandela.

In a desk drawer the Most Confident Man has a personal handwritten note from President Obama and also President Clinton.  The Most Confident Man subscribes to the New York Times (home delivery) and the Wall Street Journal and the Chicago Tribune, although he lives in neither of those places.  He lives in Montana, because he’s that confident, and also he likes wild horses.  And wild horses like him.  They are naturally drawn to his confidence, and his tallness.  They eat cornichons out of his hand and then they crouch down and nearly beg for him to get on their backs.

Also he doesn’t need a grocery store because the MCM grows very confident vegetables in his super confident garden.  Last fall his pumpkins won an award for largeness and also generalized symmetry, and that trophy is on the bookshelf next to his aquarium of large and well-behaved tropical fish.

The MCM wakes up happy and his joy only increases throughout the day.  He is naturally fit with all of his natural hair..in fact, as he’s gotten older his hair has only gotten thicker and more abundant.  Among other things.

The MCM has a private library behind his house that he built with mature trees chopped down from his own thickly wooded property.   There are 14,000 volumes in this library, and he has read every one of them.  And what’s more, he can quote from every single one of them.

The MCM has a beautiful wife–a former model– and twelve championship hunting dogs who hardly ever bark and who only “go hurry up” in a designated space in the working barn that the MCM has strewn with cedar chips.  The MCM’s beautiful former-model wife has trained these dogs to sweep up the dirty chips themselves, and she is fielding several offers from reality tv shows that want to know how she’s done this.  Also she’s written twelve blockbuster feature films, and she’s hot in the sack.  The MCM is so confident that he he takes this for granted, and rather than resent him for this, it only makes her love him more.

So what does the MCM do that he has so much confidence? How does he have so much money and luck and sexual allure and stunning know-how?

If you have to ask then you’ll never know.

Let’s just say it has something to do with having a vision, and following through.

If you’d like to stay in the MCM’s guest wing, take your pick….there are 14 empty rooms.  Or he can fly you home in the helicopter.  Bu you should really stay, because the MCM’s wife is making bouillabaisse and a fresh french bread and a beet-onion-avocado salad and a seasonal fruit pate for dessert and she’s just opened a new bottle of Malbec.  Won’t you stay and  bask in the glory?

After all,  you haven’t seen what’s in the basement yet.

Advertisements