It is spring, and traditional wisdom says that that love is in the air, but is it really? And are there other things in the air that we don’t know about?

Ambient air samples taken from random street corners in New York City reveal unexpected contents in the air that we breathe,  of which you should be aware as you go about your daily life.   In fact, after you read this you may want to wear one of those facemasks that make you look crazy.

For example, the following things were found in the air on the corner of 14th street and 6th avenue at a pre-timed core sample measured at 6:14 AM:

-ambivalence (40%)

-misplaced aggression (15%)

-generalized wonderment (12%)

-trepidatious withholding (21%)

-secret optimism (14%)

-confusion (8%)

Researchers are particularly concerned about the high levels of ambivalence, which could cause you to start crossing the street, and then wonder if you didn’t really want to cross the street after all, and turn around and head back to the curb and then get hit by a car that couldn’t tell which way you were going but was unwilling to put on the brakes for a second to let you figure it out.

So that’s 14th and 6th, watch out for that.

Then there’s the corner of Broadway and Bleecker, where the following samples were collected:

-smugness (17%)

-sullen artistic-ness (14%)

-foggy, tenuous inspiration (31%)

-hangover regret (9%)

-non-specified resentment (5%)

-hope (3%)

Researchers were shocked to find a trace of hope, which everybody had assumed had disappeared at the end of the dot-com era, and then reappeared only to undergo multiple near-extinctions.  The researchers have taken some of the hope and placed it under observation in a secure undisclosed location.

Love, interestingly, was found only in trace, non-significant amounts and suspected to be non-native to New York.

A full report of what is in the air in New York City can be found at some web site for which you do not have a password.

CONCLUSION: There are a lot of things in the air in New York City.  Interestingly, love was not a significant element of the atmosphere at all, forcing the researchers to consider changing the well-known springtime slogan from “love is in the air” to “where is the love, and what’s up with all this other stuff?”