What is the deal with grass? It’s a question we ask ourselves every single day, and yet few people have the answers.

Grass, at its core, is a bunch of tiny leaves that grow out of the ground instead of hanging off of a tree.  It’s a plant with low self esteem and it gets stepped on every day.  And yet it’s still there.  Why?

That’s a good question and scientists are currently embarking on a fifteen-year megastudy using your tax dollars to get to the bottom of it, or at least to come to the conclusion that “more study is needed” so they can save up to buy a boat to sail away from the grass for a little while.  Below are some of their preliminary findings.

Things that make grass go away:

-habitual footpath

-no water

-overzealous lawnmowering

-a car in the yard that blocks out the sun


And here are some things that encourage grass to grow:



-temperate lawnmowering

-a fence to keep out things that pee

More study is needed, and also a bottle of Scotch for the boat.