Before you I have placed three very dark beers. You are going to look at them and pretend you can tell if any of them are darker than the other ones, or if maybe one of them has what we are going to call “amber highlights.”
PS, one of these very dark beers was brewed with oysters. I’m not even kidding. Little fleshy chunks were at one point floating in one of these beers that you see before you. It doesn’t seem like a very good idea, does it? And yet it happened. That’s just how life works sometimes.
Some of you might notice, if you’re not completely drunk already, that the bubbles from one of these beers goes down instead of going up. That doesn’t make very much sense, does it? Then again, neither does Australia. Deal with it.
I want to assure you that the beer sitting before you that is made out of oatmeal has a very slippery, oily, slick “mouthfeel” (write that word down) even though you might not be able to feel that or taste it for yourself. If you knew how to taste things with your mouth then you would agree with me. But nobody in this country knows how to taste things, we only know how to look at things, and by the look of the outfits on you people, even that much is in question.
Okay taste your beer.
Bitter, isn’t it? Yeah. Very bitter. These beers are very bitter when they’re young, and the older they get, the sweeter they become. Sort of opposite of people. That’s why we drink. We drink to feel better and then we find out that at one point, there were oysters in our beer.
It’s okay, really. Just try another one if you didn’t like that one.
Here, this one tastes like chocolate. Everybody likes chocolate, right? And this one has a scary Russian guy with a beard on the label. Here’s one with a Griffin on the label. That’s part lion and part eagle. Guess what part is the eagle? I’m going to guess the wing part.
So now you know about stouts. You can drink them or not, it’s up to you. Next time we’ll learn about something else. Maybe beers from Wisconsin that come in a can. So get psyched for that.