Once there was a grasshopper and an ant, and the grasshopper screwed around a lot while the ant was busy getting ready for winter, even though ants usually die in the winter, don’t they? And so do grasshoppers, probably? Who knows.
Anyway, even if he was just deluded, the ant was working pretty hard and making himself a nice nest, even if it pissed him off to have to do it because who wouldn’t rather be screwing around and playing the guitar and making hammocks out of dental floss and making out with a lot of lady grasshoppers? Actually the ant preferred lady ants to grasshoppers and not even a lot of them because to be honest most of them were not that attractive and were pretty selfish but there was one he wouldn’t have minded spending more time with, except she was sort of busy reading magazines all the time and didn’t seem to like him very much so he figured he might as well just work, since that’s the only thing he really knew how to do.
Meanwhile the grasshopper was carousing all the time, and to be honest, becoming a bit of a drunk. He kept yelling at people to “live it up” with what was supposed to be a smile on his face, but it looked like the grimace of a shark telling you to come for a swim, the water’s fine.
And then the winter came and the ant went underground without his girl-ant, he didn’t know where she went, so he subscribed to his own magazines and was just making it happen down there in the burrow when the big drunk grasshopper started knocking. “Hey dude, let me in” said the grasshopper.
“Go away” said the ant. He was really into this article about lemon meringue pies, and was thinking he might try to make one in the spring.
“What’s he doing?” This was the voice of one of the grasshopper’s many lady friends, who didn’t know that she would be out the door in about three weeks. She still had hope, and also she was a little drunk.
The ant got up to lock the door but just before he got there the ant and his drunk girlfriend came crashing through, and then they were in the burrow. They were too big for the burrow but they were in there anyway.
“Get the hell out of here” said the ant. “What do you want?”
“You are your brother’s keeper, dude,” said the grasshopper.
“Shit, you’re right.” said the ant. And he knew the grasshopper had him.
“Absinthe?” giggled the lady grasshopper, holding out a green bottle.
“No thanks,” said the ant, remembering what had happened the only one and other time he had ever tried it. He puked his guts out and had to go to the ant hospital.
“Dude, we’re set!” cried the big grasshopper, giving his girlfriend a high five. She looked like she wasn’t quite sure what to think of a boyfriend who called her “dude” and gave her high fives, but the blank look on her face told you she would soon drive it from her consciousness and pretend it never happened.
So the grasshopper and his girlfriend camped out in the corner of the ant’s very nice apartment for about three weeks, until the grasshopper got sick of this particular girlfriend (“she chews too loud”) and he kicked her out and who knows where she went, but one morning when the grasshopper went out for a walk and to “think about things,” the ant quick called in a few beetles who changed the locks on the door and then the ant had his own place to himself for the rest of the winter.
When the grasshopper came back he was really mad, and pounded on the door for a while, so the ant slipped him a blanket and said “you can come back in when you stop being such a douchebag”. There was silence. The grasshopper said he’d think about it.
So that’s where the story stops for now. The ant on one side of the door, and the grasshopper with a blanket on the other side.