Gray is the new black, which should be worn with olive, which is the new blue. Red is totally out. Skinny belts are the new wide belts, and two inches below the true waistline is the new waistline. Just below the knee is the new just above the knee. Different boots are the new old boots.
Grapefruits are the new tangelos, and gluten is the new lactose. Intolerance of all four is encouraged.
Dogs are the new cats, cats are the new hamsters, and hamsters are the new horse that everybody wants but few people get.
4 is the new 7, and the numbers 9, 8, and 14 should not even be considered unless you want to embarrass yourself entirely. If you absolutely must use the number 14, be sure to do it after dark and be sure nobody is watching you type in your password over your shoulder. Carry mace, or a snake around your neck.
Janice Clarenza is the new you, only better. She can do everything that you used to do, only she does it happily, and a ton of people think she’s really great. Also she can start a fire using only two sticks and a book of matches and a ton of newspaper. She feels pretty great, but then again she doesn’t know that Marissa Thurbiss is the new Janice Clarenza, only six months down the line. We can only move forward. And only if we don’t use the number 14, soon to be replaced by the number 23.