bear does other things

Fine so I do my business in the woods.  It’s a big punchline, ha ha, everybody laugh. 

To be fair, that’s not the only thing I do in the woods.  I do a lot of things in the woods, so get over yourselves.  I walk in the woods, I eat in the woods, I sleep in the woods,-I fill out my tax forms in the woods–everything.  Why do we have to focus on just that one thing?

Do you take a shower in your bathroom?  Ha ha.  See?  Now forever and ever you’re going to be known as the person who takes a shower in the bathroom.  You loser.  Shower-taker.  You know who NEVER takes a shower in a bathroom?  Me.  A bear.  I get clean in a stream.  In the woods.  Bingo!  Chalk that one up–yet another thing I do in the woods!  My god, there are so many!

Yeah the pope is Catholic, too, but once in a while he also plays Parcheesi.  You see what I’m getting at?  Expand your focus, people.  Also please leave your car a little big more open when you go camping and you leave your GORP in there.  I don’t want to destroy your ride any more than you want to be stranded and vulnerable in the woods with a hungry bear four feet away from you. Thanks for your consideration.

You know what I’m up to today? I’m writing a couple of chapters in my novel.  That’s right, my novel.  You didn’t know I was writing a book, did you?  Well I am.  Guess where I’m doing that? (hint: the woods).  My novel is about a squirrel who goes to the big city and gets a job in an office and falls in love with a rat who will have none of it and then the squirrel gets depressed and climbs up to a ledge on a very tall building and is just about to jump off and that’s where I am right now.  If you want to read the rest of it I guess you’re just going to have to buy the book.

Also if anybody knows of a good literary agent who might read me, I would appreciate the tip.  I can’t pay you though.  You can use my burrow for a while though if you want.  But use it now, in the summer, because I’m going to be in there from November on.

Oh shoot.  I gotta go do something.  I ate too many grubs this morning.  You know what, never mind.  I didn’t say anything.  My book is going to be called Urban Rodents and I think it’s coming out in the winter.  Just saying.  Hang on, I’ll be right back.